sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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