I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
