i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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