whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
