Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So squirting runs in the family.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
do nipples grow back?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
