those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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