Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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