Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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