Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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