i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
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I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
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She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
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