Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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