i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i came on her dog
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
