my phone needs a breathalizer
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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