birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
