You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
