how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
