Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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