I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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