You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
