I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
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Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
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I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
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