I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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