I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
