I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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