I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
