I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
