Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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