Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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