I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
