Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
