so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
