just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
