i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
