So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
