I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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