i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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