the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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