I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
