Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
