nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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