I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
