You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
