He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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