wake up i wanna do it froggy style
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
