My liver just broke up with me...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
