My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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