i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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