Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
