if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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