i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
