my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
