She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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