Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I will pee on everything he values.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
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