I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
