I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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