does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
bring money and cleavage
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
