yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
