I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
